i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
