and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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