My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
