haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
