forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
