I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
