No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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