I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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