Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
