smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Let's get the cat blown out
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
