I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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