I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
