I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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