just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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