im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
