You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
