Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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