Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
