Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
