Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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