ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
should my penis look like a turkey
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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