Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
