my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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