Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize