I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
