How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
