Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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