I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
someone owes me an orgasm
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
