I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
