nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
