Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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