i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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