Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
