dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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