i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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