We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just want to make out with him forever
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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