nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
We had sex on a dog bed..
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
