He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize