I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
