Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
