96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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