Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
