She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
