I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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