Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
