i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
