where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
