I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
love makes seman taste better
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Holy sore nipples Batman
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
