Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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