Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Send help, water and tortillas.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Randomize
