How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
