I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
