what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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