Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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