your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
