Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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