I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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