Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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