best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I need a burrito and a hug.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
