fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We have started to decorate penises.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
