drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
