Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
