There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
