Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
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