You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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