The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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