Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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