Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
