the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
