The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
