If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
