he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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