YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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