life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
