I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
