I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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