Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Sorry my hands just texted you
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize