i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
