I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
